The Princess of Atlantis and the Beardless Explorer

2 May

In Britain, let’s say around the year, 1832 (cause that’s when everything happened) the British people, in Britain, wanted to find America, because it was lost. That dude, Christopher Columbus or whatever thought America was in India, and all the Indians were offended, so they blasted him to the moon in a rocket made of bubblegum.

To solve the problem of America being lost, a man, who was probably British, named Kemery, went to find it. This explorer had no moustache or beard, yet his heart was pure. (Although this did not get him a decent crew, because in those days you were only manly if you had a nice beard or something.) His crew consisted of a strapping young woman, bulk in composure of her bodily muscles named Egna. She sung bass, and was also the cook. Each night, after getting tired of sailing, Kemery would fall asleep at dinner. His head would fall into his bowl of tainted Brussel sprout gruel, and she would kerplunk him over her strappy shoulder, and drop him into the bed-thing, where she would sing in a low melodious voice, like elder seals mating, and he would drift into dream.

(All the rest of his crew was not interesting and died of the tainted Brussel sprout gruel.)

Egna was so sad she grew a beard. When it got long enough she ripped it from the base of her chin, her second one twice removed, and gave it as a parting gift to Kemery. Then she turned into an Elder seal (because she was magical) and went to live in the deep sea called the Pacific.

Kemery was all alone. Then suddenly his ship was swallowed up by the whirly thing, like flushing a toilet, except without the stuff that you flush it for. He woke up and was on a strange island. He decided it was the lost America. (Because it obviously was.)

In the distance he saw a fair maiden. To impress her, he quickly drew out from his shirt’s breast pocket, Egna’s beard she gave to him. He put it on with the masking tape he bought at that British dollar store. He went over to her and exclaimed, “My dear, fair maiden, what is thy name.” This woman then turned around and said, “My name is Alokya. Duh.” Kemery then realized that his beard, since it was stuck sideways on his face, was probably throwing her off. He ripped it off his face and fed it to a crab. “Oh how generous of you to do that for that crab.” Alokya exlaimed. The crab died shortly after. “You must be a goddess of this beauteous land which they call America.” Kemery exclaimed, a single tear drop falling from his third eye, which was below his left ear. “This isn’t America. Do I look like I eat McDonalds?!” Alokya, the fair maiden exclaimed. “Oh but thou hath the beauty of the most beauteous sea urchin of the seas of Normandy.” “Well, you person are correct. I am very beautiful. Perhaps even more beautiful than those things.” “Probably not, if you look at them you die. Because they are so beautiful.” “Oh.”

Kemery, so awestruck by her beauty decided to name this new-found land after her. He named it, Atlantis. (It is named after Alokya as you can see because both names have two A’s and an L in it!) After naming this land, the two went back to the British place and had dinner. Atlantis, quite soon afterwards got eaten by some fat chick. She is formally called Your Mom, and she stands, where the island Atlantis used to be, in the Bermuda triangle. Her gravitational pull is so great that she causes many ships to sink. This island, called Your Mom also caused Hurricane Katrina. Hurricanes are formed when a cold wind and a warm wind come together. In this case, the cold winds came from her mouth (because she had a lot of mints.) and well you don’t want to know where those warm winds came from. Anyway, the convergence of these two winds collided and caused the massive Hurricane Katrina. We pray for all those affected.

(However the oil spill was not caused by Your Mom. That was BP’s own damn fault.)

Anyways, Back in that British place, Kemery and Alokya were having dinner when suddenly Kemery realized that Alokya was actually a Atlantis Princess! He then fell so deeply in love that her secret power was unleashed and light rays emanated from her body. When these light rays touched Kemery’s face, his hands turned into diamonds. Then, to show his affection for Alokya, he broke off one of his fingers, and using his mighty strength, he bent it into the shape of a ring. Then Alokya ate it. She did not want to wear Kemery’s shriveled diamondy finger on hers.

Soon after, Kemery got plastic gloves that made his hands look like regular hands. Then Alokya and Kemery bought a lot of real estate on the island, Your Mom.

This is the reason why Alokya’s toenails sparkle in the dark (because she is full of magical finger diamonds) and Kemery’s finger goes flat when you squeeze it.

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially Egna, whom after turning back into her true form of an elder seal, was very successful during the mating season.

Now, sometimes, if you listen hard enough when you put your ear to a sea-shell, you can still hear the elder seals as they sing their sweet low melodious lullabies of the sea.

~

 

The End

~

 

 

 

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The Story of Hermantown, and how I came to visit.

2 May

Today, I was eating lunch outside. I wanted to have a pizza party picnic in the grass. It was very sunny! I even brought along my friend Herman. He is so funny, but sometimes he acts a little strange.

Anyways, we were sitting there eating pizza, and everything was just Hunky-dory, then Herman yells, “Oh Gawd! They’re after me!” Standing up, he spills his pomegranate tea on the blanket. It looks like a blood stain. I swear that stain wasn’t there before!

I spill my tea to make Herman feel less guilty, then I stand up too. “Who is after you Herman?! What’s going on?!”

“THEY are after me.”

“…Who’s they?”

“The Horace Endel (Institute for) Young (People)!”

“…Wouldn’t that make it THEIYP?”

“Don’t ask questions! We must hide!”

So together me and Horace hid under the picnic blanket. It was very sticky though, and all the tea was dripping onto me. Not fun.

Outside, I heard a raven land. This was no ordinary raven though because it made the ground shake. There was a hole in the blanket, because it was very old, and I peeked through. A man and his servant had been riding upon it. His servant was actually called his henchman, but they are pretty much the same thing.

The man got off the raven. “Where is he?!” Horace shouted. Shouting was not really necessary though, so I could tell this man was the type that would yell all the time.

He Was Horace Endel. He had been forbidden to go into any library, anywhere. Not for yelling, but because he had a library book that was a thousand years overdue. How was it a thousand years overdue?

Horace Endel was actually a vampire!

Not the kind that sparkles though. The actual kind, that doesn’t sparkle. In fact,  one day, when Horace Endel was really bored, he got all the vampires that sparkle, and, using a gigantic cheese grater, turned them all into glitter.

(Because vampires have no blood, and are very dry in general, this process wasn’t very messy.)

To increase the ironic factor, he sold this glitter at a Twilight store in Forks. He called it, vampire glitter. Soon all the Twilight fans were wearing it.

Anyways, back to me and Herman.

“Where is he?!” Horace screamed, for the second time.

“He is obviously under that picnic blanket your Horace-ness.” said Horace’s henchmen, whom we will call Harry. (Just for the sake of having all other names start with H, you know.)

“Oh! What should we do with him?!” Horace screamed. (Don’t you think that Horace’s voice would get very hoarse from all that screaming and yelling? Get it? Horace…hoarse? Oh, nevermind.)

“Transport him to the isles of Sarah Palin ice-cream.”

“Good idea Harry, erm, Henchmen.”

With that, Harry took out his magical wand, and made a portal under the picnic blanket, and we then fell through it.

We landed in the isle of Sarah Palin ice-cream.

The reason why it was called the isle of Sarah Palin Ice-cream is because It was an island in the country of Alaska, where Palin had hidden all of the reallllyyy good ice-cream.

This was no punishment! Me and Herman ate all the ice-cream.

Then, we realized that The Isle of Sarah Palin Ice-cream was actually a man (or should I say woman) made island, directly on top of the lost city of Aplantis. (Not to be confused with the lost city of Atlantis.)

Herman surprised started looking very hard at something.

“What are you looking at?”

“My parents were banished to Aplantis, and they might still be there.”

“Let’s go look.”

 Right now we were standing on what the people of Aplantis would call the sky, since a big glass dome covered the whole entire city. Fortunately there was a trap-door.

Herman used to be super fat, so we used his old belt, that he brought in his backpack, to get down to the ground of the city.

He very shortly after, found his parents, and overcome with joy, the city of Aplantis changed its name to Hermantown.

Now that it wasn’t lost, Hermantown became as famous as Hawaii, and because  of its glass dome, even though it was in Alaska, it was very hot.

Also, now every year I come to visit, and Herman’s mother, Hailey makes us her best ham sandwiches.

As for Horace Engel, He went on to become the world’s greatest librarian. Also, his henchmen, Harry, went on to become the greatest wizard of all time.

~The End~

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